Fathers and their Daughters

 

Today is my father’s birthday who died quite suddenly a few years ago and, as I live in another continent, I regret that I did not spend enough time with him and absorb his wisdom that just seemed to cut through all the bullshit.

He was and still is my guiding light. Other people might wear a bracelet with the letters “WWJD” which stands for “what would Jesus do”, but my bracelet would read “WWDD”. Thinking about him this morning has made me reflect on how fathers impact their girls and the quote I found below seems to sum it up for me.

Your daughter’s future happiness depends on her relationship with your husband

I always felt so lucky that I had found a man that seemed to have the same values that Dad had and Tom was a wonderful father. He absolutely adored his daughters and would do anything or be anywhere for them, though they always knew that there was a boundary that would not be crossed. He was a good foil to me as he was always so calm and I am a lot more emotional. I analyze and worry too much and he just came up with solutions to problems, but his main gift was the example he set of how to be an honorable man.

As a result, we had dream daughters. We had no toddler or teenage tantrums and calm, well-adjusted kids in between. They would talk to us about anything, but they themselves realized what an amazing childhood they had as they told us about the issues that their friends were going through.

They finished school and left the family nest as they embarked on their own voyages of discovery at university. As parents, Tom and I seemed to have done our job in life which was to provide our kids with this incredibly strong foundations that gave them the freedom to take on the world. However, already the winds of change were blowing. During that first year when both girls were studying, Tom withdrew himself more and more from family life. It was subtle, but there. At the beginning of 2011, I made a real effort to connect to him again and to some extent seemed to be succeeding, but then I lost my Dad and in my mourning, I gave up the fight. Within a few short months, his affair started and the kids would begin to see that the family was no longer ideal. We battled our way through until the fateful day in November 2012 when I confronted the issue. However, during that time, I will happily admit that Tom would still have helped the girls with their projects or any other physical assistance that they needed, just emotionally he was a bit absent.

On New Year’s Day, we told the children and Tom promised once again to break off the affair and give the marriage a chance. Now over 2 years on, what have we learnt? Talking to the kids, they say in some ways, it has been positive as Tom’s mistake gives them the freedom to make mistakes. It also illustrated for them that nobody is immune from trouble, but that with compassion and understanding that you can cope with any adversity. So, they have become more resilient.

The one mantra that helped me in the last few years, was “what would Daddy do?” He would have listened, he would have commiserated, but he would not have told me what to do. Instead, I imagined him accepting that I had the right to divorce Tom, but would gently drop in a comment such as how will it affect the kids. I knew how it would affect them, especially the girls. Tom has a strong bond with them and I had seen what had happened other girls. One started cutting herself and another started using drugs, behaving wildly and dropping out temporarily from their studies. Mothers alone are not able to protect their self-esteem.

Even during his affair, Tom did a lot of things right. He treated them the way they should be treated by their future husband, he was not chauvinistic in any way, he was proud of them and their achievements and encouraged them. The only thing that he did wrong was that in some ways he showed disrespect to me, his wife. The girls would have seen that disrespect, but would that have negated the previous years of respect?

When I was a little girl and anticipating getting married, I dreamt of finding a man like Daddy, just as all other little girls do who have a strong bond with their father. I thought I found that man and for over 25 years of marriage, he lived up to that idyll. He was the loving, caring, protective and strong dad for most of our daughters’ lives. Will their security have been taken away from them because of a couple of years of emotional absence? I did not think so. Their foundation may have suffered a major earthquake, but it was still intact and I had to give Tom the chance to repair any cracks. During the last 2 years, he has had a metamorphosis back into the old Tom, but just a bit more sensitive to emotions. It has been difficult for me as being betrayed is an isolating experience, but as I see Tom’s interaction with our precious girls, I imagine Dad looking down, smiling gently and winking down at me. I did the right thing and gave their father back to them. So I know that they will evaluate all men they meet through his eyes, just the way I did with my dad.