We make a fatal assumption when we first find out about our husband’s affair. For some strange reason, we believe him, a person who has being lying to us on a daily basis for weeks, months and maybe even years. I still believed that he had only had an emotional affair, as a full confession only happened 2.5 months down the line. I believed him when he said that he would break off the affair for just over a year, so that our kids had a chance to surmount major hurdles in their education. I assure you that you should assume that his affair is not over even if he says it is, because of something called “the affair fog”.
One of the best descriptions of this phenomenon I found is the article I linked to below.
http://www.marriageadvocates.com/2012/07/10/coping-with-infidelity-understanding-the-wayward-fog
This explained to me the really ridiculous suggestions that my husband made. One example, after he had only confessed that he had grown close to someone, was that he wanted permission to still see her one day a week. I did not dignify that request with a reply. For the first few weeks, I was in a bubble of happiness. I was now able to talk to my husband again, but it did not last long, despite the talking, listening and even hysterical bonding. Within a month, I believe he had started to see her again and did not even confess the full story of his affair on our first visit to a psychologist. Over the next few weeks, he grew a little distant again and during the weeks around Christmas, it became clear to me that it was not over. So, on New Year’s Day, I gave him an ultimatum – either you give up the affair completely or you move out. It was accepted by us both that our marriage was over and that we would tell the kids that afternoon. He reconsidered just before that, but I said to go ahead and tell them as they must know something horrible is going on.
So he confessed to an extent and it was not good. It tore us all up completely and you could see the horror in the 3 children’s faces. I did my best to reassure them, but it did give us a taste of the reality of what his actions had done to our beautiful family.
Perhaps fortunately for us, Tom had to go away for a week for work to a place where there was nothing to do in the evening except ruminate and I believe that somewhere during that week, the reality of what he had done finally hit home. He had emerged from the fog. When he came home on Friday 11th January, I eventually got the information that it had not just been an emotional affair, but that it had also been sexual. I think it was a few more days before I got the information that they had used no protection whatsoever. Gradually, I got more and more drops of the truth and each drop prolonged the hurt, the pain, the torture and the rollercoaster ride from hell just kept on going. However, eventually, I did get the feeling that Tom was trying to answer my questions truthfully, but he has a very selective memory, When it comes to work and facts and figures, he is fine, but when he comes to family life, his memory is very hazy. I suspect that partially this could have been a protection mechanism as men are very good at compartmentalizing their lives. Now that compartment was closed, he just wanted to forget it. So I never got to hear details of when the affair started or when they first had sex or even whose idea it was. The sex part was tied down as starting somewhere in a 3 month period. At first, this disremembering seemed completely unfathomable to me as I could not believe that the first time you choose to break your marriage vows could be so unremarkable that you have no memory whatsoever of the occasion.
Gradually, in my mind, I began to compare the experience of the affair to the experience of drug addiction and there are a lot of similarities, just the drug of choice is different as in the affair it is dopamine and in a drug addiction it can be anything from alcohol to heroin. It should be noted, however, that cocaine is the drug that gives the most comparable high to dopamine.
What did I learn from this experience? Your best success of getting the truth is early on. So from the very start, you are going to have to emphasize that you know something is badly wrong with your marriage and that you are open to discussing what is wrong, what happened and stress that above all you want your marriage to survive. You are going to have to do a lot of listening, very little talking and keep a list of the “facts” that come out about the affair. It is important that you do not keep asking the same questions, so the first time it is answered, record the answer. Think of every little fact like a piece of a jigsaw puzzle and you will only manage to collect a limited number of them. You have to try to put together the puzzle as best as you can from the pieces that you collect, so you need to make sure you get as many as possible.
You are married, so you are entitled to the facts about his affair, such as where and when. You are not entitled to the prurient details such as details about the type or quality of the sex, other than did their sex endanger your health. It seems to be generally accepted that middle age men are the biggest risk takers when it comes to sex and completely oblivious to the perils involved.
Eventually, the basic facts are on the table and now it is decision time. Do you kick him out or do you try to rebuild your marriage? What we did was actually decide to try initially for a year, an agreement that was broken within a matter of weeks, and a second decision was made to try for 2 years. From what I have read, it seems to take at least that long for the pain and hurt to start receding. It worked for us as it gave our 3 children a chance to reach their individual academic milestones without having to deal with the trauma of parents splitting up.
That decision also reflected that at least we were prepared to try to rebuild our family and it gave Tom a chance to rebuild his relationship with our children. When you first find out, you are in shock. You are not in a fit state to make a decision that will affect the rest of your life as well as that of your children and your grandchildren. On the first Christmas after I found out, Tom commented that one of the images that struck him most was the image of grandparents, parents and children all being together and faced for the first time the possibility of us not being together as grandparents down the line..
Most grieving models seem to have between 5 and 7 stages starting with the initial shock and eventually getting to acceptance of the past and hope for the future. It is only when you get to the acceptance stage that you can make the right decision for you. If that decision is separate for you both, that is fine, but at least you made a decision that is not just based on anger and disappointment. If that decision is stay together, that is also fine, but it is a decision you both have made together calmly and logically.
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